Deployments & Emotion

It is almost guranteed in this day that if you are military, you will be deployed. Your first deployment is the hardest, not because you get used to the love of your life being gone but because you come to terms with the emotions that go along with each deployment.

It is an emotional cycle that can not be understood unless you have experienced it. If you were to watch a couple going through a deployment emotional cycle in a "The Truman Show," sort of way you would think they were in need of medication.

With our first deployment (keep in mind he was going to Iraq for the intial invasion and I was hormonal- pregnancy induced) thinking, "Oh this sucks. But it is what he (we) signed up for." To two weeks later as the D-Day (departure day) closed in, being an inward basket case. Crying at odd times of the day, typically when he was at work....so he wouldn't see me cry; not because I didn't want him to know that I cared, but because he didn't need the added worry. Then came the waves of anger; anger toward the military for making him leave, anger at him for leaving. At one point both being on edge and screaming at him, "Damn it, I wish you would leave already!" I know you just gasped, "How dare she say something so mean when he was about to go off to danger," your probably thinking. Most military families that I know have had similiar arguments. It is the stress level making everyone hot, clammy and clausterphobic in a figurative sense.

D-Day arrives, you put him on the bus. You feel a sense of RELIEF come over you as you wave good-bye, and then guilt smacks you in the face. But the reality is you ARE relieved. Relieved that the day has come; the days of a high stress household are gone (for now). Relieved that the departure means he is one day closer to being home. Just as quickly as you moved through relief and guilt, anxiety sets in.

How in the world are you going to run this circus as a one man show? You might just be the circus freak by the time he gets back to you. You realize all of the hats that your now going to have to wear: Mommy & Daddy, handy-man, housekeeper.....the list go's on and on.

Many times playing the comforter/supporter for his immediate family; with the one that fills that role for you being gone. How hard it is to be strong for everyone around you, when there are days you just want to break down.

The weeks pass, each day you learn that you have a new strength. Or you find that you have a newfound enjoyment of.....working on cars, after changing the distributer cap on your own. Your love for your spouse isn't diminshed any but your pride in yourself has grown.

Finally, you have word from the Command that he is coming home. You don't have an exact date/time, or youv'e been given three different dates by the time that his feet touch American soil. You start to fear, anticipate and dread the homecoming in the same weird assortment of emotions as the day he left. Will he love me still? What will our relationship be like now?

The buses arrive, they get off of the bus....it seems like there are a million service members. PANIC, you can't find him, somehow they all look the same. Scrambling, you spot someone that looks like it could be your husband. Your eyes lock, your heart flutters, you start to stammer as you try to spit out the three little words have longed to say in person, "I looove you." All of your worries are fleeting in this moment. You grab his bags and head home.

He goes back to work in the days to come. You find that your a little lost in your roles. You get mad at him for not helping and angry when he does. You think he should play with the kids more, and they seem content on playing on their own. The dynamics of your family/relationships have changed. Now the challenge is in finding the fit since the pieces of the puzzle have have changed.

Marriage

We married young, shortly out of high school. Right after he graduated from boot camp, two days after to be exact. We are from a small town in the Midwest, far away from any military installation. I had never met anyone in the service before meeting his recruiters. So I married the man that I love, five days after the largest terrorist attack on American soil. I married him with the most naive expectations of what our life was to be and with my eyes wide- like a deer in headlights.

I wish I would have had someone to tell me that your life is going to become about what you make it. In this life ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.

*a PCS (permanent change of station- move) just means friends in more locations
* deployments really do make the heart grow fonder
* there is a definite love/hate relationship with the military
* being an Independent Dependant can be a wonderful
* and It really doesn't matter if the toilet seat was left up- at least he is home

With every new wife I encounter, I try to pass on that wisdom. Life is always going to be what you make it; but living a life where you control so little makes that statement that much more real.

Intros

I feel like I am writing this for all of the military spouses out there. My "Intro" is brief and general.

I am a military spouse. I love my service member more than can be put into words. He dresses for work; whether be the Cammie's or the dress uniform, and my heart swells with pride. He loves his country and I share that love and pride of country with him. We both signed a contract. He signed away his life and I signed away my love. He may wear the dog-tags but I wear his heart.

Sometimes, I get lost....not because I don't know where I am going or who I am but because our lives can be such a whirl-wind. Between deployments, TDY's and PCS's it can be hard to remember that I am someone other than any number of hats that I am wearing. (personal assistant, Mommy, cook, tutor, housekeeper, Daddy, friend, lover, mechanic, repairman, lawncare woman, personal assistant). My world can get overwhelmed with whom I am supposed to be for everyone else that you begin to forget who you are for yourself. This is not regrettable but tiring, not out of obligation but out of love.

My husband stands in front of me to protect me, beside me to journey through life with me and behind me for encouragement. As I do also for him.

The following posts will be a chronicle of our life.....Some instances from the past, and some from the present. There may be times that I share the life and struggles of my friends. For the civilians reading, I hope you can gain an understanding of the person that is behind the military member and for the military spouses- I hope you feel a little less alone. :)