Deployments & Emotion

It is almost guranteed in this day that if you are military, you will be deployed. Your first deployment is the hardest, not because you get used to the love of your life being gone but because you come to terms with the emotions that go along with each deployment.

It is an emotional cycle that can not be understood unless you have experienced it. If you were to watch a couple going through a deployment emotional cycle in a "The Truman Show," sort of way you would think they were in need of medication.

With our first deployment (keep in mind he was going to Iraq for the intial invasion and I was hormonal- pregnancy induced) thinking, "Oh this sucks. But it is what he (we) signed up for." To two weeks later as the D-Day (departure day) closed in, being an inward basket case. Crying at odd times of the day, typically when he was at work....so he wouldn't see me cry; not because I didn't want him to know that I cared, but because he didn't need the added worry. Then came the waves of anger; anger toward the military for making him leave, anger at him for leaving. At one point both being on edge and screaming at him, "Damn it, I wish you would leave already!" I know you just gasped, "How dare she say something so mean when he was about to go off to danger," your probably thinking. Most military families that I know have had similiar arguments. It is the stress level making everyone hot, clammy and clausterphobic in a figurative sense.

D-Day arrives, you put him on the bus. You feel a sense of RELIEF come over you as you wave good-bye, and then guilt smacks you in the face. But the reality is you ARE relieved. Relieved that the day has come; the days of a high stress household are gone (for now). Relieved that the departure means he is one day closer to being home. Just as quickly as you moved through relief and guilt, anxiety sets in.

How in the world are you going to run this circus as a one man show? You might just be the circus freak by the time he gets back to you. You realize all of the hats that your now going to have to wear: Mommy & Daddy, handy-man, housekeeper.....the list go's on and on.

Many times playing the comforter/supporter for his immediate family; with the one that fills that role for you being gone. How hard it is to be strong for everyone around you, when there are days you just want to break down.

The weeks pass, each day you learn that you have a new strength. Or you find that you have a newfound enjoyment of.....working on cars, after changing the distributer cap on your own. Your love for your spouse isn't diminshed any but your pride in yourself has grown.

Finally, you have word from the Command that he is coming home. You don't have an exact date/time, or youv'e been given three different dates by the time that his feet touch American soil. You start to fear, anticipate and dread the homecoming in the same weird assortment of emotions as the day he left. Will he love me still? What will our relationship be like now?

The buses arrive, they get off of the bus....it seems like there are a million service members. PANIC, you can't find him, somehow they all look the same. Scrambling, you spot someone that looks like it could be your husband. Your eyes lock, your heart flutters, you start to stammer as you try to spit out the three little words have longed to say in person, "I looove you." All of your worries are fleeting in this moment. You grab his bags and head home.

He goes back to work in the days to come. You find that your a little lost in your roles. You get mad at him for not helping and angry when he does. You think he should play with the kids more, and they seem content on playing on their own. The dynamics of your family/relationships have changed. Now the challenge is in finding the fit since the pieces of the puzzle have have changed.